


Tonight II

by Augustus



Series: Intervals [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-05-24
Updated: 2000-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-07 07:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3165899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mirror piece to 'Tonight'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tonight II

I really hate those moments of blinding enlightenment. Those times when suddenly everything that you thought to be the truth is dashed into the smallest of pieces while you watch in helpless astonishment. There is nothing in this universe that can prepare you for the displacement brought about by such a moment of undisguised truth. It is in the midst of such a moment that your stomach churns from the dizzy mix of revelation and devastation. I am yet to experience a moment of enlightenment that has not brought with its once hidden knowledge the only too familiar jagged teeth of pain.

I had one of those moments this evening.

I see the glances my padawan earns from those who surround me. I may be but an old man compared to the bright light of his glowing youth, but I am not yet blinded by my years. I have watched the coltish boy of only a few years ago grow into the stunning fifteen-year-old that everyone wants to be near. I used to feel a vicarious pride in their admiration of the young man I hold dearer to me than anyone - or anything - else. I was glad that Obi-Wan's way in life would be made easy by all those who craved to be loved by him. Even the lot of a jedi is made easier if you are fortunate enough to be in possession of a face and a presence that can turn even the most antagonistic mind. And my padawan does not so much posses those attributes as he does define them.

I never considered the possibility that one day it will be those very same traits that conspire to take the light from my life.

Tonight, when I saw the well-known faces watching him, an emptiness began to grow inside me. I dismissed it as nothing but the jealous fears of one whose time in the sunlight is nearing its close. The boy who cast away the dark shadows of my past is no more. Tonight when I watched both padawans' and masters' eyes alike following his path around the room, I realised that it was now a man whom they were seeing. His time of knighthood may still lie years ahead of us, but no more will he be the boy who sought the comfort of my arms when a storm almost deafened us, or when his sleep was clouded with visions of darkness.

I will miss comforting him. It is a role I have always held dear.

Tonight I saw him talking to one of the younger knights. His eyes smiled as he spoke and I ached to know of what they talked. The knight placed a hand on my padawans shoulder that was not one of guidance, but rather of unspoken offers. Visions of what I could do to that hand played in front of my eyes as I forced myself to turn away. He is not my possession to be told with whom to speak. I have no right to watch his social interactions with the eye of a master. I am his master through consent, not through slavery. It is my role to bestow knowledge, not to curb the inevitable tentative movement away from my side.

I do not possess him. 

It was as I engaged in a mindless exchange of conversational niceties with a young, female padawan tonight that my defining moment of enlightenment chose to rip apart everything that I knew to be the truth. She made some idle comment about the popularity of my padawan. It was nothing surprising, nothing I hadn't already contemplated a million times over. But somehow, tonight her comment brought only bitter jealousy to the tongue that so often in past days spoke of pride. Tonight I would not hear of Obi-Wan's attractiveness. Why should she speak to me of something I already know to be true? Why should she _torment_ me with the very reality that sends needles of fear into my heart? It was only as I opened my mouth to gush some undoubtedly un-Jedi-like comment that reality decided to land heavily over me. And it was only as I caught the eye of my padawan across the room that I realised that the depth of the world's attraction to the young man smiling shyly at me could never rival my own.

And at that moment I realised that I want, more than anything, to possess him.

I return home late, mindful of being quiet, lest my padawan already lies asleep in the adjacent room. My mind, however, could never be quietened as easily as my movements. The realisation that I need Obi-Wan as so much more than just my student throbs within my head. I cannot comprehend these thoughts. Are they just the lecherous fantasies of an ageing master? Or is there something more to this desire? There is something deep within me that whispers to me that there is.

"Master?"

That soothingly familiar voice drifts from Obi-Wan's room. I hope that I haven't woken him, although there is no hint of sleep in his tone.

"It is just me, Padawan."

Oh how I ache to utter so much more, but for tonight five words will have to suffice. When I retire to my own bed I will have all the hours of the night to contemplate what might have been if I had dared to say more. For the moment, however, the reality is too terrifying to face.

****

~fin~


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